A New Year

All -

I have not much to say on this last evening of 2008, but I want to wish everyone a very Happy 2009. Here's to a better year for all of us ... filled with love and laughter.

xoxo -
L

Who Can You Trust

Life experience has taught me so many things ... who I can go to for help, who I look for for guidance, etc., but I was never properly introduced to the subject of trust and those who are keepers of such a beast. Instead, I often find myself led blindly into the abyss hoping that the person taking my hand is a trusted friend. How often have we all found this not to be true or even worse yet, how often have we found ourselves questioning such a person. Since my separation and eventual divorce I have been trying to make myself have that sort of faith in other individuals, but more often than not I feel lost, alone and ultimately betrayed. Is this something that people purposely do to each other or is a symptom of something else, possibly out of our control. And if someone betrays your trust can you let them back in with open arms without the fear of eventual repetition?

I always try to look for the good in the people around me and I often come back with astounding results except for when it comes to matters of the heart. Those people I truly care about I seemingly can not read as well as the others or maybe it's that I let my feelings get in the way of what I know is right. Either way you look at it, there is still a matter of trust, a matter of obligation to ones friends and loved ones. How can something like that be measured and weighed. At the end of the day, how do you know who won't hurt you ... who you can trust.

Learning How to Breathe Again.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. This is the first one I have spent alone in 7 years ... now before you feel sorry for me, let me preface this by stating I did have my family with me this year. It's the loss of a familiar face I am referring to. It's difficult to explain how hard it is to learn how to be on your own again. It's like a small piece of you has been removed and replaced with another new and unfamiliar part. For me, it seemed like the best thing for my sanity was to start new traditions for the holiday's so that I wouldn't be burdened with the loss of my former life and the memories held within. So I spent my day doing things that I should have been partaking in my whole life. I laughed all evening with my father and cooked with my mother. I baked the WORST pumpkin pie ever, which is so unlike me. I may not be Rachel Ray, but I can bake a mean pumpkin pie. Not this year. And for the first time in a while I started to remember who I was prior to the upheaval of my life. So for this Thanksgiving, even though it may be a few days late, I would like to give thanks to my crazy family and the return of "Scrubs". Long live Zach Braff.


xoxo

Where it's all going ...

I need to continue writing. I have the fever, but the premise has changed and the characters are different. Love no longer lingers on the tongue of this fervent author. When I began my little project I was certain that I would be describing the life of two people who lost their way, yet eventually found the way back to each other ... the way back home. But now it's so much more than that. It's losing yourself in a life you thought would be yours forever, but instead was there for only a glimmering moment in time. It's about being wrong and realizing that love is painful and grotesque, and does not consist of a storybook ending created by the likes of star crossed lovers.

I can honestly say that I hope this love I had experienced, not too long ago, was just a glimpse of what could be. I long to find someone I can be entirely passionate with ... someone I am willing to fight for and is willing to do the same. And that is what I will focus on in this never-ending story: the possibilities that come from the ashes of our pain. Rising up, defeating all, if for only the want of knowing it is not just an ideal created by fiction. I need to continue writing, so I can make myself believe in love again.

"Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination."
- Voltaire

It is what it is, or is it?

Life is often times tricky and cruel. Not at all what I was looking forward to as I was rushing through my adolescence. I find myself constantly looking for answers I am afraid I will never get. Here I am, pushing through an existence of mindless wandering.

I have been back “home” for roughly 9 months and what I have learned in my time here is that nothing is ever what it appears to be and no situation can be easily resolved by the feelings you have towards your life or the people in it. Because, let’s face it, feelings change, people change and ultimately lives change … which is how I ended up back here to begin with.

Don’t get me wrong, “here” is not so bad. It’s the inconsistency of here that I despise. “Here”, not just being this physical place, but the relative one that I have recently found myself floundering in. I can not recall how many times I have been told that “‘It’ is going to be okay.” “‘It’ isn’t the end of the world.” What people can’t tell me is what “it” is? What exactly is going to be okay? What isn’t the end of the world? If it truly is what it is, then what in God’s name is it?

Just today I received an e-mail; the subject line: Change Your Life Today; the sender: an unnamed diet website. If only the perfect recipe for low fat pesto chicken and pasta would “Change My Life” but I have the astute feeling that it may just possibly change my love of pesto to pure disdain and not my life. No I tried changing my life a few hundred times and never did it include a new recipe. Perhaps it should. Does someone hold the recipe to a healthy, happy, cynic free life? And if so, why hasn’t this miracle been bestowed amongst the rest of us?

All you need ...

Ahhh love. A tricky, complicated four-letter word that everyone thinks about, but few speak of outside the privacy of their abode. What is it about that little word that gets us tongue-tied and star struck? And why is it that love has so many different meanings to different people?

My encounters with love haven’t been ones that fairy tales were derived from. In fact, I have learned the hard way that love isn’t always enough and sometimes it can be too much. I’ve watched my friends and seen their love lives go up, down and occasionally inside out. I’ve watched them give everything for a love that once was, but no longer exists, just in the hope that they can get back what they once had.

The truth is, that you can’t force love and every so often you need to know when to give up. There are even times when the love is right, but you need to let go because it’s the right thing to do … even if you don’t want to. See, we can’t chase love because when we do we inevitably push it away and once the love is gone it is almost impossible to resuscitate it. So does that leave us loveless and alone or do we all have a happily ever after in the making? The answer to that question does not lie within me, but in those who have been fortunate enough to find love and never let it go.

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
~Emily Brontë


“Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame.”
~Henry David Thoreau

Content? I think blah.

The topic of this evening’s discussion is the word “content”. I am not referring to “contents” i.e. things in your junk drawer. According to Webster’s Dictionary the definition of content is to limit (oneself) in requirements, desires, or actions.

Earlier today I asked a friend of mine if they were happy. The answer I received is that they were “content”. To me being content is selling oneself short. I lived a vast majority of my life being comfortable where I was, I was content, but I wasn’t happy. In fact, the act of being content turned me into an emotionless, loveless individual. I watched my life spin into a downward spiral and I hated whom I was and where I was going … which was nowhere.

Due to my own personal experiences I believe that people who live their life in a sea of content are afraid to step out of that realm. Living in the world of content is living in the world of the known and venturing out into the world of the unfamiliar is scary. But would you rather stay in your comfort zone just so you can feel safe, or do you take the risk and make a change that will ultimately lead you to a place where you could be HAPPY! For me, I will not allow myself to accept anything short of happiness.

And as always, the song and quote of the day. Remember to click on the small box on the right of imeem.com for the full song.

“Life is good for a while, then it turns to shit.”
- Miles (Resort Bellboy)

Somewhere alone in the bitterness

I thought I would be in the mood for blogging tonight, alas, I am in a bitter state of mind. To make up for my lack of enthusiasm I took some initiative and uploaded the photos from my crazy weekend. Please click on the album photo to be redirected to see all of the photos from both fun filled events. Hopefully these delightful photos will lift someone's spirits. Cheers!

"A sombre yet beautiful and peaceful gloom here pervaded all things ... the shade of the trees fell heavily upon the water, and seemed to bury itself therein, impregnating the depths of the element with darkness."
-Edgar Allan Poe

Andrew's Surprise Birthday Party '08

Andrew's Universal/IOA Birthday Extravaganza '08

Say

It was a wild weekend. Barely any sleep. Way to much alcohol.

My brother's birthday was Saturday, but the girls and I decided to throw him a surprise birthday party on Friday. It started off a little shaky (I was the only person here to yell surprise when he pulled up because my family didn't stall him for long enough) but he had a blasty blast.

The next day Senor Goobs and I traveled to Orlando to hit up Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. Saturday night was grad night so we saw the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Gavin Rossdale practicing for the event. We occupied our day with plenty of roller coasters and other misc. rides. The big hit: We got to test ride the new Simpson's ride. It was EXCELLENT! I can't wait to go back. Although, I'll wait for my vocal chords to heal. Roller coasters = screaming. Screaming = hoarse Laura.

In any event, I will be posting photos soon! We have a lot of great candid shots. I'm very excited.

Here are the quote and song for today. Remember to click on the small box on the top right hand corner of the imeem.com box. This is a song worth playing over and over again. I know I have been.

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Karma Chameleon

A week and a half ago I was engrossed in a conversation about karma and I can’t stop thinking about the affects karma on the average individual. Personally, I feel as though my karma is completely fucked. Yes, I said it. Without going into the dirty details I will indulge in some brief generalizations. In the last month I have: literally fallen over myself a handful of times, gotten my heel stuck in a crack in the parking garage, fallen out of my chair, walked out of a public restroom with my skirt tucked into my undies, went shopping at Albertson’s and forgot about the case of water under my basket, had a night out with someone who only talked about themselves (that is horrible, don’t argue with me on that) and became involved in a “friendship” that is so irritating it makes me want to punch babies in the face. (At this point I will add a disclaimer: I have never punched an infant that would be wrong. It’s a figure of speech get over it.)

It made me wonder if I had done something horrible in my past life that carried on into this one? And if that is the case, can I do enough good things in this life to make up for the faults in my history? What if I’ve been and plan on being an upstanding individual? If I follow the rules of the road, help old ladies across the street and always follow the cardinal rule of “puff, puff, give” will I be able to change my karma? I have decided to put this to the test. My first act was walking my happy ass back up to Albertson’s and standing in line again to pay for the water I forgot was in my cart. I’ve done other smaller things too: I mentally forgave someone who doesn’t deserve it, I’ve picked up other peoples trash (then immediately scrubbed my hands) and I have made sure I stay clear of cracks in the road. Step on a crack break your mother’s back. (Insert laughter here.)

All I have to say is, ‘God has one heck of a sense of humor.’

And now the song of the evening - Jack's Mannequin "I'm Ready"
Remember to click on the tiny boxes on the right of imeem.com

Communicable Disorder

In this day and age, it seems as though we could all understand that communication is the key to all things in life. With cell phones, e-mail, text messaging and skywriting all within our grasp, we should be able to make the commitment to always stay in touch. Sometimes we find it is best to stow away our thoughts and to shut the people around us out. Trust me, I’ve been found guilty of reclusive actions once or twice, but there are times when we need to buck up and talk.

My dealings with lack of communication have never ended well. When we stop verbalizing our thoughts with each other, we tend to stray from the path we were on into a gray area of confusion and sometimes lack of trust. And when we lose trust, we lose everything. I graduated with a degree in Communication and the one lesson I took to heart was that lack of communication is the most overlooked form of communication. When we openly chose to stop disclosing ourselves to people, we are making the conscious decision to push them away.

For example: I’m riding on the BART on my way to San Francisco from Concord. When we stop at 12th Street in Oakland a man with a putrid odor sits down next to me. At the next stop I get up and move to the other side of the train. Even if I don’t say something to the stinky guy on the subway, my act of getting up and moving away from him is plainly stating that I no longer wish to be around him.

Sounds simple enough. But so many people act as though their lack of communication has no impact on those around them because they don’t understand that some of us are really listening. The old adage our parents’ pounded into our heads in our youth may not be 100% true, but actions do speak, even if they aren’t louder than words.

And now, the photos I promised in my last blog. Notice that the only communication issues we have is by communicating too much! Ha! Enjoy.

The Crew


Miss T. and I at Ocean Deck


Britty and I at Ocean Deck

Loss of my own words

Not much to say tonight. Muddled thoughts, yada yada yada.
I plan on posting some photos from Saturday night soon ... it was marvelous! There's nothing better than 3 single girls on the town. Ms. T, Britty and I had a ball.

To replace my mechanical nonsense I will grace you all with the song of the evening. This is just a clip. For the whole song (which I highly recommend) click on the two small boxes on the right of the imeem.com. For some reason I can only embed the sample. I know. It sucks to have to take the second step, but this is an amazing song.

Ben Harper "Waiting for You"

Enjoy.

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else ...

But you.

Some might call it a "Juno" fit, but for me it's more than a cheesy soundtrack song. Ahhhh, how the days pass by and my thoughts remain the same. It's truly amazing because I can normally dismiss most things in my life as easily as I can bat an eye. Not this. My mind races through the days and nights and no matter what I do or how I occupy myself I continue to end up where I started; thinking of everything I want slipping through my fingers and I am helpless to stop it. I do try to stay optimistic, but those who know me understand that I am a pessimist in an idealists clothing. There are some things I truly believe to be real and I honestly think that one day this will all work out. It just requires patience ... something I obviously need to work on. It's hard to endure all of these feelings with no outlet to feed them into. It's just me. Who do you talk to? I love my friends dearly, but they all think I've lost my mind for continuing as long as I have and to tell them that I can't let myself give up would be admitting utter insanity. I always was a little crazy though ... and I won't stop believing. I can't stop believing. I saw, heard and felt something that keeps me moving. Some might call it wandering. Whatever it may be, the cost of sticking with my beliefs is worth the reward. And if there is no reward at the end, would it still be worth it? The optimist in me believes that it will be.

For J.

About a month ago I met a new face. This encounter could have been just like any other except, I felt like I’ve known this person my entire life. It’s instances like this that make me wonder about this outlandish little circle of existence. How can you meet a stranger, yet feel as though you’ve been friends for years? Or better yet, how can you feel as though you were meant to meet this person? And when those feelings come fluttering to the surface, how do you handle them? I digress.

In any event, I met this amazing individual and in less than a week they made me feel alive again. It is a remarkable thing when a person can touch your life in the time span it takes for a slice of pizza to digest. But apparently it happens. Once more, this person reminded me of whom I am and all I aspire for my life.

I am saddened that this particular individual is going through some heartache right now and I only wish I could help them they way they helped me. Unfortunately, all I can do is be here for this person and hope that my friendship and patience will help them make the right decision.

And for this person, I am going to do something I said I would not do. Yes, I am posting my photos from the great cow slaughter of 2007, aka the Oklahoma Beef Summit. This is not for the faint of heart. Enjoy!

(PS. You can click on the photos for a full size view.)

Surveying the battle dome. I'm the girl in the red shirt.


Checking out the marbling on the ribs. More marbling = a great rib eye.


My group with our steer


That's me sawing through that bad boy!


And me asking a million questions ...


The End.

Past Life

Change is a funny, tricky little creature. I sit here in my new home and feel so foreign in this once familiar land. Life has treated me well so far. Since I relocated I have obtained a wonderful job, begun meeting spectacular and unique people and enjoyed the company of some friends I had seemingly lost a long time ago.

North Eastern Florida is home to some of the oldest people in the state. I presume it's the eternal search for the Fountain of Youth in nearby St. Augustine that keeps them around; but whatever it may be, it makes for an interesting mix of personalities. I can only hope that my appreciation for this seemingly "virgin" territory will grow with the time I plan on spending here.

Where have you been?

I know. It's depressing how much I have ignored this little bloggy blog. To be honest, not many people read my rantings so I find little use in persistently updating it. Never fear, here I am. Safe and snug on my mothers pull-out couch. For those of you who have no idea what is going on in my life, I am living in Florida now (if you want more information you'll have to ask). No more cold weather and people who have distinct pronunciation issues. For the last time; it is not Eye-talian food. Oye.

In any event. I will attempt to update this little ode to my boring life once something substantial happens. Until then, you know where to reach me.

Hugs not drugs.
L