You Spin Me Right Round Baby ...

I often find myself in peculiar situations, like today when a fellow coworker apologized for not inviting me to his birthday party because he is celebrating it jointly with someone else that recently betrayed my trust and broke my heart. (Insert laughter here.)

Now, I feel I should elaborate on the phrase "broke my heart" because I feel too many people will take it as a purely romantic sentiment. Let me address this by stating that although romance did exist, that isn't what I mean by the previously stated idiom ... at least not entirely. To put it more precisely, I believed in this person, I felt blessed to be in their life and those sweet sentiments were returned to me without question until one day they just weren't. I regained faith once again to have it taken away without conversation or any regard for my feelings. In that respect, my heart was broken. It was elevated more so because this person, this individual I held in such high esteem, couldn't be bothered to take the time to tell me in person.

So here I am, trying to not explain the situation I am in to my poor friend who apparently can not invite me to his birthday and is caught in this awkward position because of something entirely too complex to clarify without telling him things he should not know. (Yes, you may want to take a few breaths and re-read that again a few times). Well, when all is said and done I had come to find out that he already knew the one sided details of the horrific last week of my life so I was left to give my side without falling into a million pieces. What makes it worse is this one question that was posed to me during the encounter, "Would you speak to him again if everything were to change?" How am I supposed to answer that? Logically, without a frigging doubt the answer is emphatically NO! But my heart, my heart says YES. My heart screams YES without question, without reason, without logic, because these things matter not to the heart. And in the end, emotion always triumphs matter. It may be stupid and insane but nonetheless I will always follow the instincts that pulled me through this wretched life and forced me to become who I am. Do not misunderstand, I will always be a follower of logic but I have found that sometimes you need to stop listening to the voice of reason and follow the desires you keep within. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here now but I would be in a passionless marriage to a man who was in love with someone else. Now I know that may be someone's idea of fun, but I wanted more so I here I am. I know I want to be in love and to have someone who loves me as well ... and I will have that one day ... well, either love or a lot of cats. It's a toss-up. I'm still young, but I don't want to jinx it.

So, what I have learned hence far: I still have no idea where my life is heading or who my main players are. I don't really know what happened with the person I harbored such affection for and I don't know if I will ever find out. I can hope that one day he will come to his senses and actually hold a conversation with me ... but I won't hold my breath.

What I know: I'm a divorced, late-20 something who always wants to believe in love. I have a lot of time left to make my mark on this world and one day I hope I will have someone to go on this journey with me.

Until then ... here are some songs to take with you into the evening. I'll entitle it My soundtrack of the eventide.

"Let Go" - Frou Frou
"In The Waiting Line" - Zero 7
"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
"Grey Room" - Damien Rice
"Chasing Cars" - Snow Patrol
"Bittersweet Symphony" - Ace Enders and a Million Other People
"Lesbia" - Lucky Jim

Until next time - xoxo

Answers to questions

Because I don't feel like my usual blogging self I will simply answer the questions posed in my previous post by my dear Emily.

The insight I gained is a bit skewed. I thought it was one thing when I originally wrote the blog ... but now it is another. My insight is that I do not belong where I am ... I need something more to sustain my own personal well being. Don't get me wrong, I love certain aspects of my life, but one thing is for certain ... I will never find true love here in this little coastal paradise. Because, let's face it, this is a paradise for those already in love ... not for those seeking it.

The new friend: Is not promising. He was a facade. It took a couple of weeks but I found that he, much like many other's I have met here, are not what they market themselves to be. The sad part is that I fell for his alter ego once before and I foolishly allowed myself to believe that this person transformed into a new, honest individual. But just like all the rest, he played me for the hopeless romantic I am and left me out to dry in the same exact manner he did the last time. Well, almost. At least before he had the tenacity to actually tell me. This time I received an e-mail. A "Thanks for playing but I think I'll go with option B" e-mail. So, my dear Emily, it seems as though I spoke too soon in the prior blog. I held onto hope with no payoff.

So I leave you with these questions:
How many times does one need to have their heart broken before they give up on the concept completely?
When do you know where you truly belong?
Who do you trust?

And once again I will quote Nietzche for this "important friend":
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Until next time.
xoxo

Where to begin

Welcome to 2009. Don't forget to pick up your complimentary commemorative tote on your way out ...

I was stupidly hoping that 2009 would eventually dissolve the memories of 2008 and with it my life would begin anew. Then I decided that believing in fairy tales and Santa Claus may actually pay off more in the end. Did I think that everything was going to be magical? Did I want to believe in my Christmas / New Year's miracle? Sadly, the answer is yes. Am I being extremely pessimistic and unreasonable ... well, the answer there is probably yes as well. I did gain some insight with the beginning of this New Year and a very important friend as well.

Things have changed once again ... and if I want to survive in this world I need to adapt to that change ... and relatively quickly. However, something is still missing. I guess that's what 2009 is all about ... finding that missing piece of the puzzle. So here's to everyone finding their missing piece(s).