Where am I again?

There are times when I feel as though I am in a parallel universe in which my life is not really my life. It's hard to explain such a universe, but I believe it exists. Where am I now? I have no idea. I'm actually just winging it. It's tough to know what you want, but not know what is the best way to get there. Life is complicated. When I was younger, I never imagined myself encountering the issues I have now as an adult. Being a grown-up is not as fun as I had envisioned. In fact, it is a pain in the ass. When you're a kid, all you have to do is think about yourself. Now you have to account for every individual you will impact with a decision or indecision. When did it become so damn tough? I'm not complaining (at least for the most part) because I know what I want now and who I want to be. These are things that I wasn't exactly sure of 5 or 6 years ago. It's just the thought of what may lie around the next obstacle that alludes me. Where is that crystal ball when you need it?

So, I have had a few difficult decisions to make lately (specifically between yesterday and today). I think I chose the right path for me, but doubt always lies behind every decision we make. For me, I would feel remiss if I did not try. I'll leave it at that.

So on my way to the Village Bakery (where I get my pizza) I noticed a restaurant that has been in the same place since I have lived in Davis, but I never actually paid any attention to. This restaurant's name is (and I am not kidding): Pasta? Yes, with the ? in the title. Just Pasta? So are they unsure about serving pasta there? Are they playing little games? Let's make them think we serve pasta ... And then hit them with Steak and Potatoes. And when you ask friends to meet you there, how do you say the name? Do you say the word pasta as though it were a question? Or do you say Pasta Questionmark?

I have some more blogs posted on The Other Shoe. So if you're interested in my preference for French Onion soup over Chicken Noodle, take a gander!

Warning! Lots o' pictures!

I have finally made it back from the State of North Carolina. On the trip I took about 67 pictures. Yes, 67 pictures. Here are a few for your viewing enjoyment:


A Turkey Sculpture in someone's front lawn.


Thunderstorms on our way into Charlotte.


Welcome to Asheville! I have no idea how people take so many pictures of signs. This was a pain in the ass!

The driveway to Donna's house in Flat Rock. I figured no one would truly believe me, but this is where I stayed after my small stint in Charlotte.


Donna's backyard.


Me canoeing in Donna's backyard. It was my first time in a canoe.


Donna and Phil at the Flat Rock Playhouse where we saw "Children of Eden."


The Strickland Family at the Flat Rock Playhouse.

Phil and I at the Flat Rock Playhouse.


Bath time Megan.


Megan and I drinking at Hannah Flanagins.


Me in front of the Biltmore House. This was my favourite part of the trip. I adore the craftsmanship that went into the architecture and design of the Vanderbilt Estate.



The next best thing to the house is the winery!


The front of the Biltmore.


The front porch.


Another view of the front porch.


An exterior view of the staircase.





The mansion is lined with gargoyles. These are just a few that I captured. Unfortunately you can not take photos inside the house, although, that may be a good thing. I took a total of 21 photos of the houses' exterior. I can't imagine how many I would have snapped off on the inside!

For more photos of my trip, e-mail me and I will send you a link to my photo album on-line.

In a fit of joy

It's official! I am no longer an employee at the Dixon Tribune. It was a little sad to leave. I took a picture of my desk right before I left.



I should have taken a photo before I took all of my stuff down. Oh, well. Goodbye desk. We had good times.



Sharon, Laura and Sarah. We weren't ready for the picture, so we all looked really serious.



Us again. This time Sarah's eyes were closed. She hates being in photos so she wouldn't do another one. (Please note: My hair is shorter ... Feel free to comment.)

All in all it was a good 2+ years. I had lots of good times, good experience and a kick ass portfolio with recommendation letter. I actually saved some of my stuff in Acrobat Reader so I can e-mail my portfolio (instead of making copies for every job I apply for). I'd like to say that I am prepared for my future, but you really can't plan for everything. Like Jem says, "I just wish I had a crystal ball, to show me if it's worth it all." Let's just say I am well equipped.

Tomorrow I leave for North Carolina. Hopefully I won't be eaten by a bear or fall off a mountain. Pray for me. This would not be the time to be clumbsy ... "Hey! Look down there ... oh noooooooooooo (trails off)!" Zoe's a little pissed that we're leaving. Most people say that they know because they can sense how their animal feels. I know because this is what I came home to today:



She only drinks when she's upset. Poor girl. There's no bar at the kennel. Better pack some airplane bottles in with your biscuits.

Until later ...

That'll be about 15 minutes

There are very few things I hate more than waiting. Lately, I have been waiting for that return e-mail, for my last day of work, for this icky feeling in my throat to go away. I feel like I have been awaiting something my entire life. The sensation in your body is horrifying as you sit and wonder how long it is going to be. There are some things we know will eventually come. At some point my sore throat will diminish and I will ultimately reach my last day at the office. I don't know if the e-mail will come or if my message will be heard and reciprocated. Amongst my waiting, I often wonder how many people are biding for me. Am I missing some piece of a puzzle that will surface as long as I keep waiting? If we are all a part of this crazy mystery, will we ever be able to solve it without abiding each other or will we be forever lost in a sea of confusion?

As I walk through my own existence, I feel that without a certain amount of communication, I am lost in this world. I need to have the security of knowledge. This cognizance is what keeps my blood pumping through my veins. For me, information comes in all forms, and most often it creeps in through my modem and spills onto my computer screen. When I am taken away from this machine I cannot function normally. When my ability to access the world through my fingers is taken away I am delayed immediate access to what I need and what I want. I do not wish to linger in my sense of doubt. For that is what I ultimately feel when I am left to wait.

Why do we attend to each other as we do? Surely it would be easier to saunter through life on our own. The weights we place on each other are burdensome and unnecessary, but the fulfillment we gain from each other has no set value. People need each other; we thrive off of the energy each one of us holds. The waiting is all part of the mystery; that mystery keeps us alive and entertained. It is a struggle to feel held down by time and the decisions made in that time. The gift is the way we chose to handle the time in between the waiting. In the end, we are all waiting for something; why not let the moments that have been fulfilled over compensate the ones that have not.

The Birthday

Well, my 26th birthday has come and gone. Here are a few pictures from the day and one from my day before celebration!


Phil and I at The Melting Pot in Sacramento the day before.


Lindsay and I at Ink on my birthday.


Phil and I at Ink on my birthday.


The group at Ink. Me, Karen, Lindsay, Jett, Trisha, Emily and Chad. We had lots of drinks!

The day was spent at IKEA and the night was spent eating and drinking. I learned that I am a horrible darts player ... Although I was on my 5th cocktail by the time we started to play. Maybe that had something to do with it. In any event, it was a good time. Next year YOU need to be there. Yes, you.

Limit me not.

It's amazing how life twists and turns. We come in and go out. Friendships disappear, change, morph into something new or better. Humans are fickle creatures. My dog Zoe will be faithful until the end of time as long as you give her love and plenty of steak, but people are not so easy to appease. I bring this up simply because I am reflecting on my own life and the changes I have made through-out the years. In a few days I will be a year older and perhaps a bit wiser.

I am surprised how I have come full circle. See, in a way, I have changed considerably. When I was 18 I became involved with some undesirable people and I followed a path of destruction up until my 22nd birthday. By that time I was married and living a life that I never planned on having. Yes, there was some self-destruction through-out the years leading from then to now, but for the most part I have grown into what I consider "me." The ironic part is that I have become the person I was back when I was 16 and 17 ... Just a bit more mature and with a stronger sense of what I want and who I want to be. With my 26th birthday in sight, I can see that it only took me 10 years to get back to the person I was meant to become.

On my path to self-awareness I collected a few new friends. Most of them are haunts from my past. Friendly ghosts if you will. Reconnecting with these people has made me wonder how I ever lived without them. Yet, when we talk, it is as if no time has gone by at all. As though I did not live without them. They were always in my heart and mind which is what made the reunions so sweet. I value my friendships more than I had ever though possible. I remember my parent's telling me that I would only have 2 or 3 close friends (if I was lucky) and the rest would merely become acquaintances. I think they are wrong. Friendships can not be defined in such limited terms.

I do not know where I will be in the next 10, 20, or 30 years, but I do know that I will continue to grow as a person and that the people in my life will remain constant reminders of the person I am striving to be. These people make me who I am, if only for their company and soothing words. We can not stop the change. It is all a part of evolution. Our bodies change, our minds change and sometimes our hearts change. We can not stop the change, but we can determine how we are going to let that change affect ourselves and the people in our lives.