A note before bed

I just finished watching "L.A. Story" and it was fabulous. Before I head off to sleep, I want to share something that Steve Martin said at the end of the movie:

"A kiss may not be true, but it is what we wish to be true."

That feeling

Lately I have been thinking about emotions. A friend of mine has told me that many of the relationships he has been in may have fallen apart due to his inadequancy in displaying emotion. What are emotions and what do they mean. Can we equate emotions to feelings? And if you can, does the inability to show someone your emotions mean that you have no real feelings for them? I often wonder about my ability to display my feelings for my friends and loved ones. In many ways I feel as though I wear my heart on my sleeve; Although, there are times when I feel reserved and shut-down. Perhaps these feelings are what keep me from living my life in totality. Or do I show my emotions so much that it makes people back-off?

Our emotions can be shown through so many different means. A kiss, a touch of the hand or pat on the back, even our words can convey how we feel about people. Recently I have found myself in the position of not knowing exactly how I feel and that leaves me feeling hollow inside. In a sense, I can equate my feelings with my life in California. See, California is a sunny and rich place to live and most people who move out here never want to leave. For me, I enjoy being in California and I hope to learn from my experience here, but I could never stay. This is not where my heart is. Some would say that this little analogy shows exactly how I feel. One very important element is missing though: California has no feeling towards me. It can't. Life may be easier if we could all make decisions based on inanimate objects (or whole states), but it's not. In fact, I feel less sure now than I did before I began. Other people think that my lack of passion is because of my feelings towards California. To me, that statement is a cop-out. It's easy to say that because you are not happy with your physical location, you will not be happy with the rest of the pie. I don't think that's true. I honestly think that as long as you are satisfied with your life, you can deal with your geographic location.

I believe that our emotions are what makes us who we are. I came from a very emotional family. We always tell each other how we feel and why (if we can draw a reasonable conclusion). Living life without being able to display your feelings must be very lonely. Even now, with all of my feelings left out in the open, I tend to lend my mind to the desolate side of my heart. I can not imagine what it would be like to bottle all of those feelings up and never let them out. I often find myself wondering exactly how people feel about me. If I can't read their emotions or if they do not show any emotions, I can't decipher where the relationship stands. For me, that is a deal breaker for friendships and romantic relationships. I need to know where the two of us stand at all times. This has led to the demise of many relationships for me. So where is the balance? Will there always be a struggle between the sexes over proper displays of emotion? Or can we find a reasonable means of composing a way to display our affections without crossing any prearranged boundaries. Although I do not believe in over-the-top showing of affection, I do think that we all need a little bit of security with our emotions and a little less solitude. Because in the end, all we have is each other.

Travel

Stuck on a plane. Every effing time I travel. This has got to stop. Right now I am in Birmingham and we can not get off of the plane because we do not have a terminal. Our flight was headed to Atlanta, but had to re-route due to thunderstorms. So now we are here. I haven't eaten and the longer we are stuck here, the less likely I am to get a good meal. To top it all off, I am sitting next to the loudest woman to ever leave the West Coast. Apparently, she has replaced her lungs with a bull horn. Her kids are utterly annoying and they are everywhere - In front of me, behind me and beside me. This woman should NEVER have been allowed to reproduce.

When will this plane get off the ground?
Argghh! MUST GET FOOD!

Stuck in an airport. Atlanta is a fun city, the airport in Atlanta is hell. The people watching has gotten old and now all I want is to get on my way. It's amazing how weird people look when they are in a hurry. Honestly, being in a crowded airport should count as participation in a blood sport. These tourists take NO prisoners. I often wonder if traffic in an area, like the airport, could be controlled by using the same traffic signals and lines that city streets use. Yes, people turn into warriors when they enter an airport, theme park or mall. If people flew more often the obesity epidemic could become obsolete (just as long as you don't give them time to stop and snack between flights). Beep, beep, beep. Those carts are driving me nuts. Unless you are disabled you should not be allowed to get on one. An old woman with a busted hip could out walk one of those things.

Finally, my flight has taken off and landed. I'm only 3 hours late ... and so begins the vacation.

(This is an entry in my mini journal from the day I left for Maryland 7/19/2005)

The Maryland Experience

I just returned home from my trip to Maryland. I have so much to say, yet at the moment I have no time to say it in. To appease you, I am going to post my pictures ...


Seeing my Nana in Virginia ...


My Aunt Teri and I.


Stefi, Lindsey and I.


Frank, Stefi, Lindsey, Teri and I.


Arial (I'm not sure if that's how they spell it) my new friend.


The cutest kid I've ever seen! My cousin Lindsey.


Capoeira at ArtFest in Baltimore.


My friend John and I saying hi and goodbye ;)

There weren't a lot of photo opportunities so I had to make them up as I went along ... and that concludes the photo session of this blog. More blogging to come later ...

A note before flying

Leaving on vacation has its ups and downs. The ups are obvious. As for the downs, to start, packing is a pain in the ass. What do I bring? Where am I going while I'm there? Will I need "fancy" clothes? Ugggh! It's the same story every single time I leave to go somewhere. I never know what to bring and I am always afraid of forgetting something. To top it all off, I know pictures will be involved and I don't want to show up on my Nana's wall looking like an idiot. I wish packing your clothes was as easy as packing your bathroom necessities. Alas, as a woman I am forever doomed to a life full of icky packing decisions.

Today I felt like crap. Yes, all day. To make myself feel better I sat around and did nothing. Not a damn thing. It's amazing how good it can feel to sit on your ass for a day straight with no impending work or chores (I never consider packing to be a chore until the last minute). Bad TV can sometimes be a glorious thing as well. I now know how some celebs become so completely out of it. They must watch E! TV 24-7. It is the most ridiculous station, but I couldn't help but to be amused by the countdown of embarrassing star moments. No, it's not quite Dallas, but it's effing hilarious!

This evening has been full of the same. I'm preparing myself for my 4 a.m. wake-up. I've given up coffee in the a.m. because it makes my stomach feel like imploding. I'm going to have to survive tomorrow on my allowance of 2 caffeinated beverages a day. To top it all off, I'll be stuck in the Atlanta Airport for 3 hours and 45 minutes. What the hell do you do in the Atlanta Airport for almost 4 hours? I have a hard time amusing myself for 2 hours? I better make sure my I-pod is fully charged and ready for action.

All in all I am really looking forward to this trip. Hopefully I will get to tour some of the museums in DC and do some light shopping at one of the Mills Malls. I haven't seen my Aunt, Nana or my friend John for over 4 years, so it is a much needed visit. In order to make that visit, I must pack so TTFN!

Climb

The past few days have been filled with disappointment and joy. These two mixed feelings only lead to crazy thoughts and sleepless nights. I have been disappointed with my inability to do this diet. No, I am not in need of a major weight loss over-haul. I just want to lose a few pounds. Call it vanity if you will. I often speak of not being influenced by the world around us, but I often find myself swimming in a pool of insecurity.

Needless to say, the South Beach Diet has not been a success. I skipped part one, which cuts out all carbs. Leaving out these essential nutrients made me feel light-headed and my energy levels were at an all time low. I had never felt so badly in the morning (not even after a night of binge drinking). I added back in my carbs. A whole wheat cereal in the morning and a whole wheat sandwich at lunch. No extra sugar, no enriched flour just whole grain wheat. I've slowly begun putting back on the three pounds I lost even with 30 minutes of cardio everyday. I'm hoping this is just a temporary setback.

Yesterday Phil, Zoe & I took a trip out to Lake Berryessa. As we hiked down to our favorite spot we noticed there was at least one person down there already. Once we reached the beach we saw that there were 3 teenagers and a very large lab in our spot. They looked at us, we looked at them and then decided to hike out to another beach for some privacy. This is where it gets interesting. To get down to the other beach, we had to go backwards down a rope. The path was very steep, in fact, it was almost straight up and down. When we reached the bottom we set up our chairs and unleashed Zoe. She immediately dove in the water. That's when we saw it. One of the teenage boys swimming over to our beach. He noticed a rope swing and wanted to play on it. He floated under the rope trying to figure out a way to get on. He started to climb it like a mentally challenged monkey. Then he climbed the tree and tried to reach it with no avail. For his finale, he attempted to tie two branches together to make one long branch. No, it didn't work, but it did make me giggle. Refusing to give up, he calls his friend over. The friend quickly throws him the rope and he is off over the lake. Every time they went up the tree they climbed higher and higher in the hopes of doing something even dumber than the time before. After a half an hour of this, they called over the last remaining members of their group. Yes, we had encountered the rudest people on the lake. So we decided it was time to reclaim our spot.

The path we took down was not an option at this point. We couldn't make it with the chairs and dog in tow. There was only one way back up and it wasn't pretty. Zoe went first. Phil and I had to work with 2 chairs and a backpack. He went next. I trailed behind. The only way I could make it up this path was on all fours (not something I enjoy). I dug my hands into the loose rock and dirt to make it up. I had to occasionally throw the chair upwards only for it to slide back down on me. We made it halfway and the dog stopped and turned around as if to say, "You're fucking nuts if you think I'm going any further." Phil lost control of his chair and both he and the chair came flying down at me. He caught himself right before his shoe made contact with my face. He decided the only way we could make it was if Zoe was leashed at the top. So he left his chair and pushed her the rest of the way up and tied her to a tree. It was when he came back for me that things went even worse. As he climbed back down he lost his footing and slid past me taking the chair with him. I was petrified. The only thought in my mind was us both falling back, breaking our necks and not even having the dog to go get help (yah, too many episodes of Lassie). I did what any reasonable person would do. I climbed my ass up that hillside. Phil followed suit. Then he lost his gripping again! He slid down on his belly and quickly flipped over to his back. If there had been some water and a life guard you would have thought it was Wet N' Wild. I called out his name. No answer. Again. No answer. Finally, on the third try he responded with a gruff, "I'm fine." Once we both made it to the top we did quick inspections. Nothing broken. Lots of cuts (my hands looked like I had been playing with broken glass) and lots of splinters.

We made it to our spot. I wanted to kill the three kids. Why couldn't they have told us they were going to the other beach? A simple, "Hey we're going to the other beach if you want to stay here," would have sufficed. I guess it's Murphy's Law. You can't take a Monday and a Wednesday off to go to the lake in one week. Effing Murphy and his stupid law.

I'm excited because I am leaving for Maryland this coming Tuesday. A few days with my aunt and some other relatives and then a few days with my friend John. It'll be a party and a half. My aunt just told me that she hasn't even told my grandmother that I'm coming yet. Best get on that! The only downside to this is not looking the way I would like. I know that I am not going to turn into Sarah Jessica Parker overnight. It's just difficult getting there.

Being comfortable with yourself is so important. I know so many people who aren't. It can be extremely painful to look at yourself in the mirror when you can't enjoy the skin you're in. Vacationing often halts weight loss and exercise. This is an obstacle I have to overcome. I'm leaving for another trip in August and again, I want to be as fit as I can when I get there. Hopefully, I will find the support I need within myself and not from another fad diet.

On the beach ...

There aren't many relevant things happening in my life right now. Actually, all I've been doing all day is preparing myself and Phil for the South Beach Diet (which I started today). I had no idea how many products have trans fat and unnecessary sugars in them. Now that I had the big clean-out of my refrigerator and pantry plus the extra money spent on books etc. there is no turning back. My stomach isn't happy about it at all. Not one iota.

Actually, my wallet is a bit pissed off as well (not to mention a whole lot lighter). No wonder there is an obesity epidemic. Healthy food cost so much more money than the not so healthy alternative. Somehow, vegetables, meat, cheese and spices have made their way up to the grocers elite aisle. It's amazing how the very things which we need to survive are priced beyond the reach of many individuals.

For people who eat organic the costs only sky-rocket further. Yes, those who eat and drink products that are not chemically altered, sprayed with pesticide, or given hormones must pay more to have these "additives" removed.

In any event, I will be tracking my progress and frustrations here for the next few weeks. Unless it becomes extremely boring.

Oh, and I have noticed that my counter number has reached over 100! Woohoo! I even have at least one more reader. It's sooooo exciting!

The Feeling

Do you ever get the feeling that something bad is going to happen or has happened already and you just don't know about it. I have that feeling right now and I am not sure why. It frightens me for many reasons. One is that Phil is flying home from Japan today, but will not arrive until tomorrow. That worries me for all of the obvious reasons. I told him to "fly safe" 3 times this afternoon as if he didn't already know to do that. Another is the impending hurricane on the East Coast. My family finally purchased and installed their generator, but you never know what will happen. Then there are other things, the warning page that showed up after I had paid for the South Beach Diet On-line that said it (being all of my information including my credit card) was being sent over an un-secure site. Um Hello!

Am I worrying for no reason what-so-ever. Well, one can hope. What if something does happen? Should I start up my own psychic hot-line? What do these feelings mean?

BFF

Friends. These people are always on my mind. Some thoughts are good, others bad and many more are in between. It's often difficult to manage friendships, especially when they are of the long distance variety. You often miss a large chunk of peoples lives and in many cases you find yourself permanently "out of the loop." The absolute worst kind of long distance relationship is not the long distance lover, but the long distance best friend. After enough time and distance you often find that your title of "best friend" has been revoked and given to another closer (in proximity) contestant. Friendships seem harder to maintain than a boyfriend or girlfriend. In the same token, friends can be dumped just as easily as a lovers. Where did all of the friendships go?

Recently, I started making connections with old friends of mine whose ties were broken in one way or another. I started down the path of friendship renewal because of a class I took this past Fall. The class was American Culture in Communications. To be honest, the class was much different than I thought it would be. At first I hated it. I did not want to change the person I had become. What kind of person was that? A product of the media. I had very little characteristics of my own that were not sent to me through some medium. So I changed the way I absorbed the media. Some material wants still linger in me. I'm not sure that I could ever give up my love of Manolo's or Prada's, but I can at least know why I am picking that shoe, that toothpaste, or that cereal.

Being a product of the media, I also wanted my friendships and loves to be identical to that which I saw daily on my favorite TV shows. In reality there is no Mr. Big, there is no Ed, and there is no Will & Grace. It is so hard to let these things go because we see these as being perfection and we want all of our real relationships to mirror these fake ones. In an effort to correct myself I reached out to friends of my past and not those of the future for one reason. I love every single one of those people and I feel like an idiot for not living in those moments for their imperfections.

So where did those friendships go? No where. They didn't disappear at all. Some people were harder to talk to than others, but for the most part it was as though we had never lost touch. It was so refreshing to see that those friendships could withstand the tests of time and distance. What is sad is that it is still hard for me to connect to some of those who I never lost touch with in the first place.

Where do we all go from here? It's hard to say. Perhaps we all need a class in interpersonal communication. Or maybe, we need to just sit down and take the time to evaluate what is important to our lives because at the end of the day we all need each other.

"It's been so hard to get it right. It seems like. The moment I catch up. The farther you fly."
-Liz Phair