You Spin Me Right Round Baby ...

I often find myself in peculiar situations, like today when a fellow coworker apologized for not inviting me to his birthday party because he is celebrating it jointly with someone else that recently betrayed my trust and broke my heart. (Insert laughter here.)

Now, I feel I should elaborate on the phrase "broke my heart" because I feel too many people will take it as a purely romantic sentiment. Let me address this by stating that although romance did exist, that isn't what I mean by the previously stated idiom ... at least not entirely. To put it more precisely, I believed in this person, I felt blessed to be in their life and those sweet sentiments were returned to me without question until one day they just weren't. I regained faith once again to have it taken away without conversation or any regard for my feelings. In that respect, my heart was broken. It was elevated more so because this person, this individual I held in such high esteem, couldn't be bothered to take the time to tell me in person.

So here I am, trying to not explain the situation I am in to my poor friend who apparently can not invite me to his birthday and is caught in this awkward position because of something entirely too complex to clarify without telling him things he should not know. (Yes, you may want to take a few breaths and re-read that again a few times). Well, when all is said and done I had come to find out that he already knew the one sided details of the horrific last week of my life so I was left to give my side without falling into a million pieces. What makes it worse is this one question that was posed to me during the encounter, "Would you speak to him again if everything were to change?" How am I supposed to answer that? Logically, without a frigging doubt the answer is emphatically NO! But my heart, my heart says YES. My heart screams YES without question, without reason, without logic, because these things matter not to the heart. And in the end, emotion always triumphs matter. It may be stupid and insane but nonetheless I will always follow the instincts that pulled me through this wretched life and forced me to become who I am. Do not misunderstand, I will always be a follower of logic but I have found that sometimes you need to stop listening to the voice of reason and follow the desires you keep within. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here now but I would be in a passionless marriage to a man who was in love with someone else. Now I know that may be someone's idea of fun, but I wanted more so I here I am. I know I want to be in love and to have someone who loves me as well ... and I will have that one day ... well, either love or a lot of cats. It's a toss-up. I'm still young, but I don't want to jinx it.

So, what I have learned hence far: I still have no idea where my life is heading or who my main players are. I don't really know what happened with the person I harbored such affection for and I don't know if I will ever find out. I can hope that one day he will come to his senses and actually hold a conversation with me ... but I won't hold my breath.

What I know: I'm a divorced, late-20 something who always wants to believe in love. I have a lot of time left to make my mark on this world and one day I hope I will have someone to go on this journey with me.

Until then ... here are some songs to take with you into the evening. I'll entitle it My soundtrack of the eventide.

"Let Go" - Frou Frou
"In The Waiting Line" - Zero 7
"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
"Grey Room" - Damien Rice
"Chasing Cars" - Snow Patrol
"Bittersweet Symphony" - Ace Enders and a Million Other People
"Lesbia" - Lucky Jim

Until next time - xoxo